To say that I have a lot of bitterness built up inside about Parker's birth would be an understatement. For as much as I consider myself "over it" and moved past it, I still harbor a lot of anger that his birth happened the way it did. I know, to you, it seems kind of pathetic that I would harbor these feelings, but I think there may always be a part of me that is a little upset with God "allowing" this. I am human after all and I do hurt and I am not perfect.
However - I am starting to get a whole new outlook about it. Was it easy? Um NO! Was it fun? Ha - right. Would I want it to happen again? Nope But the reality is it could. I am at risk, but a maybe slightly lower risk. But I do have a new outlook - it was a lesson in putting full trust in God that I will never forget. I had to let go and let God control the situation. There was simply nothing more that I could do. I had to let go and trust that God would be with those doctors as they took my son out of me and whisked him to the NICU. I had to let go and trust God to give the appropriate knowledge to the Neonatologist, doctors and nurses that worked on Parker and took care of him in the NICU. It wasn't easy. Especially once I was able to see him. I wanted to wrap him up in my arms and hold him forever...be his protector, his doctor, his nurse, his everything, but I couldn't. Besides the fact that I don't have the degree or the knowledge needed, I had to heal myself.
There's been this empty time in my head since Parker's birth. I can remember VERY clearly up to when they gave me the anesthesia. I remember very clearly that last things I heard before I feel into a deep sleep - "I will be here with you the whole time." A nurse named Mary said as she held my hand and I drifted to sleep. I remember hearing voices while in the ICU, but I don't really remember seeing people until my in-laws go there later Thursday evening. There's a few hours that I will probably never know about. The one thing I always wanted to know was what happened during my c-section. Did Parker come out crying, limp, ect? What would it have been like had I not been under general anesthesia? I do know Parker came out crying and kicking - a ton. My OB/GYN has answered that one. He was a little fighter from the get-go. But what about the rest of those unanswered questions? I don't think I will ever know 100% what it was like in the operating room. Drew wasn't in there so he can't answer that for me...but I did have a small glimpse.
On Jan 31, there was a special on TLC. It was called "Special Duggar Delivery" and it was about the birth of their 19th child, miss Josie Brooklyn. She came at 26 weeks and was a 1lb 6oz miracle. You may not like them or agree with their lifestyle, I don't always agree with their views, but for me, to start a total healing process I had to watch this episode. I DVRd it and waited until I had the time to watch it, no interruptions, me allowing myself to feel and watch. I ended up not sleeping well that night and woke up at 2am. I decided to watch it...mostly because I couldn't sleep because I wanted to watch it so bad. I sat and watched it. And let me tell you, it wasn't easy. They showed Michelle's C-section and you know what...it really helped me. I put myself on that operating table and it helped me see kind of what happened during Parker's birth. To see how fast it went, how quickly they got Josie out, how fast they got her to the NICU - I knew in my heart, that's what they did with Parker. And I am thankful for that.
My outlook is changing about this. I will never be thrilled that it happened - who would? But I can learn to look at it now in a positive frame of mind. It strengthened my walk with God, it gave me the most beautiful miracle child, it brought people into my life that I may not have known otherwise, it showed me how a church can love it's members, it showed me that I am way stronger than I give myself credit for. I have been blessed with being able to get to know other preemie parents and helping in their journey. I have learned to really cry out to God. Sure, there are still some negative feelings towards it and to be honest, for as much as I want another child, I am TERRIFIED of this repeating itself. But I know, that God is always here, He will get me through another hard pregnancy if that's what it would be, He knows what's gonna happen in the future, I don't.
I can honestly say, I am thankful that my son was born 11 weeks early. I wouldn't be where I am today if he hadn't been. To look at him now, sitting on the floor, talking to the TV, smiling at me and laughing loudly - it was all worth it. Every single part of this journey has been worth it.
Thank you God for a new outlook!
Counters
Monday, February 8, 2010
Friday, February 5, 2010
Deep Breaths & Deep Snow
First of all, I want to thank those of you who left such encouragement on my last post. I don't like to be Deni-Downer, but I also want to make sure that I am raw and honest with those who still read this blog. I don't want to lie and sit here and tell you, "I am just fine, peachy keen jelly bean" when deep inside i am torn and hurt and broken. I have done that too many times in my life and I need to not do it.
Parker is doing GREAT! He's been stuffy and a little cough-y but other than that, his breathing is beautiful. I've had to do two alubterol treatments since Monday, at night, which honestly isn't surprising. I mean, if you think about how stuff settles and you heard how snotty he was, you'd do it too. It was completely precautionary. He wasn't wheezy, but his cough concerned me enough to go ahead and do it. And he's had no wheezing and is pretty much back to normal. FloVent will be on his daily regimen, but no biggie...anything to keep his lungs open and give him the ability to breath. It's good to hear him breath deep and not here him struggle. It was a long week.
I myself am doing better. I think I mentioned I was sick too. Sinus infection and congestion. Today is the first day really that I finally can breathe through my nose again. Still got a little junk in my throat, but I am doing well. It was a long week for me. Oh and I got blood tests back (I had them done Mon.) and everything looks great. I need to probably lost about 40-50 lbs to be mostly healthy, which I want to and intend to do, but my cholesterol is doing great (though I am on meds for that).
Parker and I are hunkered down inside for the next couple of days. Snowmaggedon is on in full force here in central ohio and I do not have any desire to be out in it. We could get up to 10 inches of snow and in some areas a foot. Which means I have every intention of hanging out in my home till Sunday. Mostly because of Parker and the fact that cold weather does trigger his issues and also because I HATE snow, I hate being out in it, I hate driving it, I hate cleaning it off my car and away from my front door.
Sunday is the BIG GAME! Colts vs. Saints in the Super Bowl. Our life group is having a party and I am pretty pumped. Can't wait to wear my jersey to church and show off my Colts pride. Have a good one and if you are in central OH - stay warm and don't get lost in the snow :)
GO COLTS!!!!!
Parker is doing GREAT! He's been stuffy and a little cough-y but other than that, his breathing is beautiful. I've had to do two alubterol treatments since Monday, at night, which honestly isn't surprising. I mean, if you think about how stuff settles and you heard how snotty he was, you'd do it too. It was completely precautionary. He wasn't wheezy, but his cough concerned me enough to go ahead and do it. And he's had no wheezing and is pretty much back to normal. FloVent will be on his daily regimen, but no biggie...anything to keep his lungs open and give him the ability to breath. It's good to hear him breath deep and not here him struggle. It was a long week.
I myself am doing better. I think I mentioned I was sick too. Sinus infection and congestion. Today is the first day really that I finally can breathe through my nose again. Still got a little junk in my throat, but I am doing well. It was a long week for me. Oh and I got blood tests back (I had them done Mon.) and everything looks great. I need to probably lost about 40-50 lbs to be mostly healthy, which I want to and intend to do, but my cholesterol is doing great (though I am on meds for that).
Parker and I are hunkered down inside for the next couple of days. Snowmaggedon is on in full force here in central ohio and I do not have any desire to be out in it. We could get up to 10 inches of snow and in some areas a foot. Which means I have every intention of hanging out in my home till Sunday. Mostly because of Parker and the fact that cold weather does trigger his issues and also because I HATE snow, I hate being out in it, I hate driving it, I hate cleaning it off my car and away from my front door.
Sunday is the BIG GAME! Colts vs. Saints in the Super Bowl. Our life group is having a party and I am pretty pumped. Can't wait to wear my jersey to church and show off my Colts pride. Have a good one and if you are in central OH - stay warm and don't get lost in the snow :)
GO COLTS!!!!!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
....Thy Name Is....
Failure thy name is Denise...
OK before you start going off on me and telling me how wonderful of a mom and wife and friend and yadda yadda I am, hear me out on this one... ok. I promise it starts off rough, but gets SO much better.
For several weeks (ok so maybe my whole life) I have been feeling like a failure. A failure as a mom, family member, wife, woman, Christian...I could list more. I could make a list of all the things I am convinced I have failed at, HOWEVER, I won't. Mostly because you don't have the time to read them all and also because, they aren't important, especially past things. Most recently though there have been 3 areas and which I have felt like a colossal failure.
1) Parker - I can see you sitting there now about ready to beat your head (or perhaps past that point) on the desk. Bare (bear?) with me. Where he is concerned, because I care THAT deeply, I feel like I fail on a daily basis. This past weekend was one of those areas. My sweet little man had, yet again, another wheezing episode. On Thursday last week, he became congested. Paying close enough attention I noticed that he was coughing - ding ding ding - a light went off - I remembered that this is actually a first sign of potential wheezing....I albuteroled the heck out of him Thursday. Friday he sounded great, no real cough, so I didn't worry - until the evening. That's when the big coughs came - again...friend thy name is albuterol. Saturday morning the poor boy woke up a hot wheezy mess. I called his pediatricians office knowing full well that it was a Sat and I probably would get a co-worker of his normal dr. We went in, sure enough....my ears did not deceive me. *Feeling of failure comes in here* The Dr. whom I thought was REALLY awesome talked to me about how I did the right thing, and how we would start Parker on FloVent (a preventative breathable inhaler) and OraPred (oral steroid - know as to me - Parker's hyper happiness) and that we wouldn't need to go to the ER. (Side note: all the way to the dr. I was convinced I'd have to take him to the ER). I asked her about 4 times if she was SURE I wouldn't need to take him to the er. Nope she said. Ok sure. I told her that I felt so happy that I had gotten ahead of if for the first time and that I really though there would be no wheezing this time around and she said that I had. (Ok then why the wheezing huh?) With his lungs being as premature as they were it's not surprising that even though I was really vigilant he still wheezed. It's the nature of the beast.
I left feeling both relieved and worried. We got home and Parker's wheezing got worse. I call the Dr. back (feeling of failure #2) and asked what to do (I actually called my friend Crissy first...thanks for listening to me that day - Love you!) She said that again, I had done the right thing, calling her (she seems to know I need reassurance) and that we would put him on albuterol every two hours for 6 hours (that would be three doses before bedtime) to give both the Flovent and the orapred the ability to really get in his system. It worked! I was thrilled and those failure feelings left.
So that's the most recent "issue" with Parker and failure coming into play. Today's feeling of failure - my son too much TV (P.S. he's currently napping - I don't have him watching the Boob Tube). He actually doesn't get that much. He gets an hour of Sesame street after nap. And maybe 1-1.5 hours the rest of the day spread out. (The kid must watch Yo Gabba Gabba before bed....and I am ok with that, because by the time it's over, he's read to sleep.)
2) Keeping house
I am not gonna lie, I hate housework. I hate everything about it, but I hate my house being messy - imagine that. I think sometimes it feels pointless to clean. Like yesterday, I worked REALLY hard on cleaning the kitchen. It looked pretty (needed to sweep and mop but with my head cold, I just couldn't continue past what I had done.) and nice. I made dinner - and now, it's destroyed. Again. Ugh. Oh and the living room. Toys toys everywhere. Ugh. I feel like a failure in the house cleaning area. Maybe if I wasn't sick it would better. Oh who are we kidding, it wouldn't make a difference, I just have zero cleaning motivation.
3) My weight.
I am overweight. There - I said it. I know I am, I know I have been and I have a REAL TRUE desire to lose weight. If I can lose weight I should be able to have a healthy pregnancy again (when we are ready...and want to try again - READ I AM NOT PREGNANT) and I think I would like myself better. I want so bad to go on Weight Watchers or something, but I stress about the money and the doing it and the keeping the motivation part. Ugh. I hate it. I feel like such a failure in the weight loss area.
satan they name is snot
I mean really! I have had a head cold/sinus infection for a week now and I don't really feel too much better. I am still blowing my nose every 3.5 seconds (ok I exaggerate). I have used mucinex, sudafed, tylenol head and cold and I swear I am still so friggin clogged. I hate this and am convinced satan lives in my sinus' and is named snot.
Speaking of the red dude. I know that he is why I feel like a failure. He plays on my insecurities, my fears, my doubts. If he didn't know me so dang well and left me alone, I know that I would feel better. It gets frustrating, because I do try to not listen, but it's hard ya know? I am thankful that I have grown so much since P's birth because I truly believe that time and the growth afterwards has helped me to learn how to overcome satan's lies. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not perfect and there are times I listen to them, but a majority of the time, I am fine or I can notice them easier and get myself into a much better frame of mind.
So yah.
I think I will let you go....
Post thy name is long.....
(P.S. sorry for my obsession with the phrase "thy name is."
****Please note that I say "I Feel Like" not "I Am A" Failure! I am learning to not allow what I feel to constantly rule my life and me!****
OK before you start going off on me and telling me how wonderful of a mom and wife and friend and yadda yadda I am, hear me out on this one... ok. I promise it starts off rough, but gets SO much better.
For several weeks (ok so maybe my whole life) I have been feeling like a failure. A failure as a mom, family member, wife, woman, Christian...I could list more. I could make a list of all the things I am convinced I have failed at, HOWEVER, I won't. Mostly because you don't have the time to read them all and also because, they aren't important, especially past things. Most recently though there have been 3 areas and which I have felt like a colossal failure.
1) Parker - I can see you sitting there now about ready to beat your head (or perhaps past that point) on the desk. Bare (bear?) with me. Where he is concerned, because I care THAT deeply, I feel like I fail on a daily basis. This past weekend was one of those areas. My sweet little man had, yet again, another wheezing episode. On Thursday last week, he became congested. Paying close enough attention I noticed that he was coughing - ding ding ding - a light went off - I remembered that this is actually a first sign of potential wheezing....I albuteroled the heck out of him Thursday. Friday he sounded great, no real cough, so I didn't worry - until the evening. That's when the big coughs came - again...friend thy name is albuterol. Saturday morning the poor boy woke up a hot wheezy mess. I called his pediatricians office knowing full well that it was a Sat and I probably would get a co-worker of his normal dr. We went in, sure enough....my ears did not deceive me. *Feeling of failure comes in here* The Dr. whom I thought was REALLY awesome talked to me about how I did the right thing, and how we would start Parker on FloVent (a preventative breathable inhaler) and OraPred (oral steroid - know as to me - Parker's hyper happiness) and that we wouldn't need to go to the ER. (Side note: all the way to the dr. I was convinced I'd have to take him to the ER). I asked her about 4 times if she was SURE I wouldn't need to take him to the er. Nope she said. Ok sure. I told her that I felt so happy that I had gotten ahead of if for the first time and that I really though there would be no wheezing this time around and she said that I had. (Ok then why the wheezing huh?) With his lungs being as premature as they were it's not surprising that even though I was really vigilant he still wheezed. It's the nature of the beast.
I left feeling both relieved and worried. We got home and Parker's wheezing got worse. I call the Dr. back (feeling of failure #2) and asked what to do (I actually called my friend Crissy first...thanks for listening to me that day - Love you!) She said that again, I had done the right thing, calling her (she seems to know I need reassurance) and that we would put him on albuterol every two hours for 6 hours (that would be three doses before bedtime) to give both the Flovent and the orapred the ability to really get in his system. It worked! I was thrilled and those failure feelings left.
So that's the most recent "issue" with Parker and failure coming into play. Today's feeling of failure - my son too much TV (P.S. he's currently napping - I don't have him watching the Boob Tube). He actually doesn't get that much. He gets an hour of Sesame street after nap. And maybe 1-1.5 hours the rest of the day spread out. (The kid must watch Yo Gabba Gabba before bed....and I am ok with that, because by the time it's over, he's read to sleep.)
2) Keeping house
I am not gonna lie, I hate housework. I hate everything about it, but I hate my house being messy - imagine that. I think sometimes it feels pointless to clean. Like yesterday, I worked REALLY hard on cleaning the kitchen. It looked pretty (needed to sweep and mop but with my head cold, I just couldn't continue past what I had done.) and nice. I made dinner - and now, it's destroyed. Again. Ugh. Oh and the living room. Toys toys everywhere. Ugh. I feel like a failure in the house cleaning area. Maybe if I wasn't sick it would better. Oh who are we kidding, it wouldn't make a difference, I just have zero cleaning motivation.
3) My weight.
I am overweight. There - I said it. I know I am, I know I have been and I have a REAL TRUE desire to lose weight. If I can lose weight I should be able to have a healthy pregnancy again (when we are ready...and want to try again - READ I AM NOT PREGNANT) and I think I would like myself better. I want so bad to go on Weight Watchers or something, but I stress about the money and the doing it and the keeping the motivation part. Ugh. I hate it. I feel like such a failure in the weight loss area.
satan they name is snot
I mean really! I have had a head cold/sinus infection for a week now and I don't really feel too much better. I am still blowing my nose every 3.5 seconds (ok I exaggerate). I have used mucinex, sudafed, tylenol head and cold and I swear I am still so friggin clogged. I hate this and am convinced satan lives in my sinus' and is named snot.
Speaking of the red dude. I know that he is why I feel like a failure. He plays on my insecurities, my fears, my doubts. If he didn't know me so dang well and left me alone, I know that I would feel better. It gets frustrating, because I do try to not listen, but it's hard ya know? I am thankful that I have grown so much since P's birth because I truly believe that time and the growth afterwards has helped me to learn how to overcome satan's lies. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not perfect and there are times I listen to them, but a majority of the time, I am fine or I can notice them easier and get myself into a much better frame of mind.
So yah.
I think I will let you go....
Post thy name is long.....
(P.S. sorry for my obsession with the phrase "thy name is."
****Please note that I say "I Feel Like" not "I Am A" Failure! I am learning to not allow what I feel to constantly rule my life and me!****
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
A Glimpse
There is no way that I could ever completely share with you how it felt to have Parker at 29 weeks. I can sit here and say the words, scary, sad, worried, guilt, anger, terrified....but unless you actually experience for yourself what I and many others have been through, you can't know. I can tell you the story over and over again....with all the dramatic affects and pauses, but again, unless you experience it yourself...you just can't completely get it.
I am sure most, if not all, of you know who the Duggar's are. If not, then go here: Duggar Family. Their most recent addition is little Josie, born at 27 weeks, due to severe preeclampsia, by emergency c-section. (Pretty much my circumstances, except I also had HELLP SYNDROME.) Well, on Sunday, Jan. 31st TLC will be airing a special about the birth of little Josie. Now, obviously I haven't seen it, so I am not 100% sure how they will portray the situation, how they will handle it, what they will show...but even in the previews you can see the complete fear and sadness on Jim Bob's face, so I am sure they won't hide the seriousness of it and the complete fear and sadness one must feel during these situations.
I encourage you to watch it. One reason why is, because while things were different between what I went through and what the Duggar's went through, the basic raw emotions were the same. Also, I want you to understand that this is something that happens daily. Premature births are on the rise and I want you to be aware of this.
Please consider watching it....I am working up the strength to watch as even the preview makes me cry and want to just turn the TV off.
It is on TLC and will be Sunday at 8pm. For more info go here: Special Duggar Delivery
I am sure most, if not all, of you know who the Duggar's are. If not, then go here: Duggar Family. Their most recent addition is little Josie, born at 27 weeks, due to severe preeclampsia, by emergency c-section. (Pretty much my circumstances, except I also had HELLP SYNDROME.) Well, on Sunday, Jan. 31st TLC will be airing a special about the birth of little Josie. Now, obviously I haven't seen it, so I am not 100% sure how they will portray the situation, how they will handle it, what they will show...but even in the previews you can see the complete fear and sadness on Jim Bob's face, so I am sure they won't hide the seriousness of it and the complete fear and sadness one must feel during these situations.
I encourage you to watch it. One reason why is, because while things were different between what I went through and what the Duggar's went through, the basic raw emotions were the same. Also, I want you to understand that this is something that happens daily. Premature births are on the rise and I want you to be aware of this.
Please consider watching it....I am working up the strength to watch as even the preview makes me cry and want to just turn the TV off.
It is on TLC and will be Sunday at 8pm. For more info go here: Special Duggar Delivery
Sunday, January 24, 2010
We Are the Champions!!!!
And this is where I break out into "We are the Champions" and do the happy dance.
This Man:
Lead this Team:
To:
Now that makes me happy!
I am happy! :)
This Man:
Lead this Team:
To:
Now that makes me happy!
I am happy! :)
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Living La Vida Loca
I feel like I haven't had anything exciting to say recently. I feel like my blog is repetitive and boring. But I have some things to talk about...so I figured, what the hey, I will just update.
1) Haiti
My heart breaks for those affected by the earthquake down there. It seems like tragedies like this really make me check myself. I've been complaining a lot about not having a house...I hate living in an apartment. Then I see what those people were living in prior to this devastation and I feel completely lousy. How can I complain about a nice apt. and needs being met...when others are living in such horrible conditions. I won't lie, I've been glued to the TV at night. I keep watching Anderson Cooper 360 because I love his perspective on it. But it makes me sad. So so sad. I wish there was more I could do...but there's not.
2) Parker Boy
What a character he is now. I mean, this kid is just a nut! His favorite word is No...and it's not that he's defiant...in fact, he just walks around..."no, no no no no no no..." Parker do you love mommy" "NO!", Parker is your diaper stinky? "No." Parker is that your foot? "No" It's super funny when he nods his head and then says no...he also likes to come up to me when I am eating something he looks at me with the sweetest face and says "biiiite." And because I am the loving mommy I am - I give him one! Oh and every time he's pushing something on the floor it's "vooooooooommmmm." He likes to dance some and he loves Sesame Street. He loves books...he makes me read every one he owns.
3) Me
Well, I am doing well. I got to talk to my OB/GYN today about what I face if I get pregnant again ********WE ARE NOT PREGNANT AND WE ARE NOT CURRENTLY TRYING********** As it turns out I will have to see a High Risk Doc. if/when I do get pregnant again. But she would like me to lose several lbs. and get off my anti-depressant. My goal is to kick myself into gear and start exercising and doing portion control..ect. I am considering joining spark people. Please pray for me as I work on this. I want to be healthy if/when I get pregnant again...and even if not. I am overweight.
I got my hair done today. It's so nice to have such lovely hair again. It's colored and cut and smells so good and is so soft. It's been a while since I have had it colored so I treated myself. I went to a beauty college so it was cheap-arific. Took a while because they have to take their time and then an instruct has to ok it...but it was so worth it.
I am obsessed with the Duggar's. Not that I want 19 kids (I don't - I want 2) but I just appreciate their program more, since I have started watching it more. I am reading their book, I made their tater tot casserole (yum) and then I am planning to watch their special about their newest little one. (Their 19th was a preemie). Emotionally, I feel like it will be hard, but good for me to watch. I wish I had a calm soul like Michelle...I mean the woman never yells...me I do everyday - at Parker...ok not yell but talk with a stern voice.
4) Other things
Our church is turning 3 years old this week. Can you believe it. We just started 3 years ago and we already have an average attendance of 100 kids a week and 500 adults. God is so good.
I think that's all I have friends...until the next time I have something interesting to say...
1) Haiti
My heart breaks for those affected by the earthquake down there. It seems like tragedies like this really make me check myself. I've been complaining a lot about not having a house...I hate living in an apartment. Then I see what those people were living in prior to this devastation and I feel completely lousy. How can I complain about a nice apt. and needs being met...when others are living in such horrible conditions. I won't lie, I've been glued to the TV at night. I keep watching Anderson Cooper 360 because I love his perspective on it. But it makes me sad. So so sad. I wish there was more I could do...but there's not.
2) Parker Boy
What a character he is now. I mean, this kid is just a nut! His favorite word is No...and it's not that he's defiant...in fact, he just walks around..."no, no no no no no no..." Parker do you love mommy" "NO!", Parker is your diaper stinky? "No." Parker is that your foot? "No" It's super funny when he nods his head and then says no...he also likes to come up to me when I am eating something he looks at me with the sweetest face and says "biiiite." And because I am the loving mommy I am - I give him one! Oh and every time he's pushing something on the floor it's "vooooooooommmmm." He likes to dance some and he loves Sesame Street. He loves books...he makes me read every one he owns.
3) Me
Well, I am doing well. I got to talk to my OB/GYN today about what I face if I get pregnant again ********WE ARE NOT PREGNANT AND WE ARE NOT CURRENTLY TRYING********** As it turns out I will have to see a High Risk Doc. if/when I do get pregnant again. But she would like me to lose several lbs. and get off my anti-depressant. My goal is to kick myself into gear and start exercising and doing portion control..ect. I am considering joining spark people. Please pray for me as I work on this. I want to be healthy if/when I get pregnant again...and even if not. I am overweight.
I got my hair done today. It's so nice to have such lovely hair again. It's colored and cut and smells so good and is so soft. It's been a while since I have had it colored so I treated myself. I went to a beauty college so it was cheap-arific. Took a while because they have to take their time and then an instruct has to ok it...but it was so worth it.
I am obsessed with the Duggar's. Not that I want 19 kids (I don't - I want 2) but I just appreciate their program more, since I have started watching it more. I am reading their book, I made their tater tot casserole (yum) and then I am planning to watch their special about their newest little one. (Their 19th was a preemie). Emotionally, I feel like it will be hard, but good for me to watch. I wish I had a calm soul like Michelle...I mean the woman never yells...me I do everyday - at Parker...ok not yell but talk with a stern voice.
4) Other things
Our church is turning 3 years old this week. Can you believe it. We just started 3 years ago and we already have an average attendance of 100 kids a week and 500 adults. God is so good.
I think that's all I have friends...until the next time I have something interesting to say...
Sunday, January 17, 2010
In Awe
Church today was Ah-mazing. We discussed worship - more specific, transformative worship. Making God your top priority and worshiping in Awe of God. The cool thing about awe is - its not something that is self generated. We talked alot about being in awe - in awe of buildings, stunts, ect. Pastor Mike had a video he wanted to show us, unfortunately, it disappeared, but I did find it on you tube. I watch it just not and it was just one of those things. I didn't have to fake my Awe, it was there...and how could it not be? Once you see this video you understand...it makes me wonder how anyone can not believe in God.
Enjoy.
The other point Pastor Mike made was how in today's society we dumb God down, we put limits on Him and therefore put limits on our worship to him. If our worship is misdirected, it hurts us. It's quite sad actually.
I want to seek God and worship Him without limits. I want to allow worshipping Him to change me...I am a sinner, I am not perfect, but with God, I have hope. And that hope has gotten me through so much.
"This is what the LORD Almighty says: 'Administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another. Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless, the alien or the poor. In your hearts do not think evil of each other.' Zechariah 7:9-10
Enjoy.
The other point Pastor Mike made was how in today's society we dumb God down, we put limits on Him and therefore put limits on our worship to him. If our worship is misdirected, it hurts us. It's quite sad actually.
I want to seek God and worship Him without limits. I want to allow worshipping Him to change me...I am a sinner, I am not perfect, but with God, I have hope. And that hope has gotten me through so much.
"This is what the LORD Almighty says: 'Administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another. Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless, the alien or the poor. In your hearts do not think evil of each other.' Zechariah 7:9-10
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