Just Breathe

Well, as promised I am back after the craziness of Christmas to update you on how things are. I decided to entitle this, "Just Breathe" for several reasons, but mostly because I need to be and just breathe. It's been a VERY busy month and it was topped off with an amazing program at Vista where we saw over 2,000 people come over three performances to hear the story of Hope! It was truly amazing. I cried some because of just how powerful it felt just being in the choir on stage. There was a very special testimony that I would love for you to watch. It's from Billy and Amy and it's just moving! It's the story of Hope. And it's beautiful.

We had several friend and family come into town to see the program and enjoyed spending time with all of them!

The Monday before Christmas I had to take Parker to the ER. He was having breathing issues and his albuterol was not at all helping. It was scary, but he's ok now. He does have asthma and so we will be learning more about how to deal with that. I won't lie, I am not happy about it, but I am thankful that it is nothing more serious.

Drew's parents came out for Christmas and we enjoyed having them around. I enjoyed them taking care of Parker for me. Christmas was great, we all got some wonderful presents. Some of my favs include: my Colts Snuggie! (Go Blue!), a hand made scarf, a scarf Drew got me at Forever 21 (it's so pretty), and a picture frame that says meow and has a picture of my kitty. I miss her :(

Parker got some great gifts...and enjoys all of them! Also, please be praying for Tabatha and Logan, he's been super sick and they are currently at the ER. I wish I knew how to help her.

So I think I am going to go and just breathe and be. If I don't say it before Friday - Happy New Year. I hope you have a blessed 2010

Hello Strangers...

Well, I have totally stunk at updating this thing recently and I greatly apologize. I can honestly say things have been super busy and this took a back seat for a while. However, I need this blog and I am planning to REALLY try to update it better. How many times recently have I said that? I am serious though. I also know that some of you may be reading this because my wonderful in-laws added in our blog address for Parker updates. And I would hate for you to not get any!

Speaking of which - Parker is doing wonderful. His vocabulary has grown a lot recently. We are currently seeing him use these words frequently:
- Mama (or meme)
- Dada
- Uh-oh (comes out more like ohhhhh)
- Yah
- Oh yah
- No (thankfully, he doesn't say this often, he does nod his head)
- Cookie (more like ook) (like hook without the h)
- Hot Dog (haha, this is his newest - gog - like dog with a g)
- Elmo (ok so this one is more like ehmo)
- Hoo, Hoo

Not to shabby! I am sure this ST* will be impressed considering last time she was here we didn't even get half of that! He walks and climbs on everything. He's hysterical really...and a pain at times. He's been in this mood of testing recently. Like for example, let's see what mommy does when I try to eat my night light. (Not the best night and no worries he didn't hurt himself and it's now where he cant reach it). Parker can successfully go up and down stairs, though we keep the stairway closed off to him unless we are actually going down them to get out of our apartment. He is quite the eater and we are working on using sippys. He uses the kind with straws, but the therapist would prefer we use the other kind.

In general, we are all ok. Very very busy this month (hence the lack of updates). The first week of dec. was crazy, we had something going on every day. Last week, not too bad, this week - two christmas parties, and then our Christmas church concert Fri - Sun. And we have guests Friday, Sat. and sunday! Oh yah, fun times! And then next week the in-laws get here for Christmas. I am so excited. I love spending time with them.

I may not update the rest of the week, hopefully you can understand that it's just that time of year. Please be praying for me, I am so burnt out. I am drained emotionally, physically, spiritually and really need next week. Pray for Hope:The Invitation my church christmas program! I can't wait and I want it to touch people! Pray for safe travels for my dad and stepmom (they are coming sat), for our friend Dave (coming Friday) and for Brandee and Rick (coming sat) and for safe travels for my in-laws.

I hope you all enjoy your Christmas! Sorry I won't be around much! I will try maybe one more update between now and next wed.

Hugs

A lot to update

Hi Friends,

Sorry I haven't updated as much as I should be! (I am LOUSY!) Life is busy and crazy and I have some updates for you!

First of all, Parker had his first hair cut a couple weeks ago and he did great! If any of you have me as a friend on facebook, I posted pictures! He looks so stinking cute! And his hair is curlier now on top! He did great, he sat very well and enjoyed trying to see how everyone else was getting their hair did! He even got a certificate - which is proudly displayed in his baby book!

Parker is 18 month old today. I just CAN'T seem to believe it. My little man is half way to 2! He's been getting in the test mommy stage. He knows exactly how to push my buttons! :) but I love him nonetheless. He's walking very well, eats table food and is off formula. It's great to have a toddler that actually feels like one! He's still taking PT, OT and ST** and doing so so well. We are starting to see process - he gets it now. He does a lot of vocal mimicking and has a few more words. He now says - uh-oh, baby, meme (which is mama to him), yah, and whoa! He waves bye bye now and even knows that in order to go bye bye you have to find a door. He recognizes words like milk, cup, kitchen, ball, Elmo, window...and I can give him very basic commands and he will do them. (example: Go get mommy the ball...) We are working with songs that have motions - he knows "if your happy and you know it" and "patty cake!"

We are mostly ready for Christmas here in the Northern household! I put up all the decorations I could on Black Friday (I refuse to go out and deal with the insanity!) We still need a tree - but this year we get a real one so I am excited to go get that this week! We had a lovely thanksgiving this year, quiet but with a lot of food!

This next month promises to be VERY busy for us. Our church Christmas program is Dec. 18, 19, 20th and so the choir is preparing like crazy. I am helping with the kids choir and the kids are going to be A-DOR-ABLE! We have about 25 kids in the choir this year. Last year I think we had maybe 10! And then between now and then, we have all kinds of activities and therapy and such to get to!

I hope you all are doing well!





PT=Physical Therapy
OT = Occupational Therapy
ST=Speech Therapy

Santa Baby.....

I haven't done one of these in a very long time, so I thought, what the hey, I will do it today! Plus, it's a good one for all of you out there wondering what the heck to buy me for christmas!

My 6 Things I Want For Christmas:

1) Indianapolis Colts Snuggie
2) a Nikon Camera
3) Scarves - that's my new accessory of choice!
4) New tupperware
5) A Keepsake Chest
6) Board Games

Would you believe it was super hard for me to figure out what I wanted? See, now that I have a child, I am way more into making sure he gets stuff, I would rather know he is receiving than making sure I receive.

Your turn, what's on your Christmas List? Head over to MomDot to play along and get all the rules!

Journal Journey Wednesday (pt.2 & 3)

***Just so everyone knows, this one will be a bit longer since last week I totally had a brain fart and didn't post! Enjoy - though if you don't read it all - I understand!***

June 14, 2008

"There are days I miss being pregnant. It kind of hurts to know that I'll never have that big belly, the inside out belly button, labor pains, or a vaginal birth experience. I think I really need to mourn this reality - so I can move on and focus primarily on Parker. I need to go home and pack up my maternity clothes - it's hard to walk in my closet and see them hanging there. I also am gonna get rid of my pregnancy books, just seeing them makes me sad."

June 15, 2008

"Happy Daddy's Day!!! Great news, Parker is off CPAP! His numbers are staying up great right now. He has had a couple of brady's but bounces back quickly"

June 16, 2008

"Went to church last night and boy am I glad! I really needed it. I didn't feel bombarded with people or questions, though I talked to so many! I enjoyed the message too! It was about outreach, which is weighing on my heart. Being here in the NICU I feel that I have a lot of opportunity to reach out to others, but I just don't know how to approach them."

June 17, 2008

"Today has been an incredibly hard day...I am so ticked right now - I am pretty sure that I have the worlds worst nurse. She is very unpersonable and has been short with us all morning. It doesn't help because today has started out totally cruddy. I got a call from Dr. W. at 7:30 this morning. Parker had had a rough night. They put him on oxygen and took an xray of his chest and belly. This showed something in his bowel, which could be a possible infection. They have suspended his feeds until they find out what's going on. They even drew blood and put him back on an IV...

(Later that day)
"At this point they don't think it's an infection, but they are waiting on cultures, which will take a couple of days. He will be staying on his nasal cannula. I was reading Marla's book just now and came across this quote:'Our little ones are resilient and forgiving. Our God is a God of grace. These experiences keep us humble and remind us of our need for a Savior. And those angels are always on duty.' Oh how I needed that today."

(Even later that day...)
"This whole thing is frustrating me. I mean besides my growing PPD; I am watching my child struggle. It feels like he takes 4 steps forward and 15 steps back. i feel like we are gonna be in this NICU FOREVER. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I feel my hope just slowly fading away. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I am doing my best to fully rely on God and trust that He is handling this situation. I really just want to scream out to God. Or maybe even scream at Him. Is it even ok that I am angry? Because I am so angry. I truly do not understand why I am finding myself in this situation. I feel like I am being punished or something. But, yet, I know deep down I am not. The hardest thing is to meet other children and see them thriving when Parker is having all these issues. I keep playing the comparison game. I look over at L and think 'well he's been off Cpap for a couple weeks and is doing well. Parker not so much.' But Parker is not L, nor is he B or anyone else, he's Parker. This is how Parker is, this is his life and his set of challenges - this is what will make him stronger and make him who he is as Parker. It doesn't make it any easier to watch him struggle though..."



It kind almost cracks me up to read these now. Mostly because of my horrible grammar and punctuation. I can look back now at this set of entries and clearly see what God was doing. He grew my so much during that time. I have since learned to lean on Him and trust Him and His will. That hard day I was having on June 17th just shows this to me. At the time, I didn't think I could make it through. I was angry with the rude nurse, scared for Parker, depressed, angry with God, wanting to scream....and now I look at it and clearly see God's leading and His lessons. I won't lie, there are a lot of times now that I struggle to trust, but I have grown to know that that's all I can do at times. And I see what this trusting can do. I trusted God with Parker's allergy tests and they came back mostly great!

God is good and he has a plan for Parker...who knew? - Oh He did!

Guest Post - Cheryl from Lips Unzipped

I asked a new friend a couple weeks ago to share her preemie story. Unfortunately, last week I wasn't able to post her story because of a trip to Indiana and no internet, but this week, I am thrilled to introduce you to Cheryl from Lips Unzipped!

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Hi everyone!!! Denise recently asked if anyone would be willing to write a guest post on preemies, since it is prematurity awareness month! I’ll introduce myself a little bit and then get into the nitty gritty details! I’m Cheryl, a 28 year old mom to 2 beautiful little girls. Lauren who is almost 3 and Jillian who turned 1 in September. Married to my “soul mate” (sound sickening?? Well, I didn’t believe in soul mates either until I met Adam) we’ve been together for almost 10 years, married for almost 5.

My first daughter, Lauren was born at 38 weeks, 1 day. Via c-section. I had been having pretty regular contractions and she was sitting VERY low in my pelvis. I actually started with preterm labour on Christmas Eve of 2006. Lauren is my “atypically” developing child. No serious complications after birth, nothing that would ever clue me into problems we might have with subsequent children. My wish was always to have a large family, since I’m an only child. However, it didn’t work out that way!

Jillian is the icing to our cake, I guess. My worrying about her started at 12 weeks gestation. When I had the triple screen done to check for chromosomal defects. I went to the doctor and he told me that my levels for Downs Syndrome and Spina Bifida were raised. Adam and I opted to have an amnio, not that we would have done anything with the results, we just needed to know. Come to find out, Jillian’s chromosomes were all there, happy, healthy and accounted for. My doctor warned that it might be a placental problem, so, we’d have to keep an eye on it.

Now while I was pregnant, I met a wonderful friend Anna. Who actually had a 26 weeker. I visited them on a regular basis and hoped that I would be BEGGING Jillian to vacate my body. Almost a month after Noel was born, I was walking back from visiting him and noticed that my pants and underwear were wet. It was summer. I started making excuses about why it might be happening. “Maybe I peed myself?” (Jillian was also a frank breech presentation) “Maybe Jillian kicked something?” Lauren needed a nap, so, I laid down to get some rest when she fell asleep. When I stood up, I felt a small gush. I panicked. I was 29 weeks, 3 days. I immediately called Adam and asked him to come home.

Fast forward 4 days. My doctor and I had already discussed that I was going to have a repeat c-section. I REALLY wanted a VBAC, but, my uterine scar was thinning. I was put on complete hospital bedrest for 4 days. I was only allowed up to use the bathroom, oh and a 5 minute shower every 2 days, where a nurse would stand outside and knock when my time was up. I felt like a prisoner, but I was willing to do anything to keep Jillian inside! Luckily, Adam was able to stay home with Lauren and they made twice daily treks to the hospital.

September 8th, 2008 marked the day that Jillian entered our family. She was born at 30 weeks gestation. Jillian gave us a scare the night before she was born when her heart rate was up to 190 bpm. She settled down and I attempted to sleep. My doctor arrived in the morning (after being on call all night) and did an ultrasound. I was contracting every 10 minutes, but it wasn’t painful at all. I thought it was Braxton hicks and that it would go away. He checked my cervical length and dilation through the ultrasound since my water had broken, they didn’t want to introduce any bacteria. At 8am, I was completely closed, not effaced, feeling I had nothing to worry about.

By 10 o’clock, I was having to breathe through contractions and concentrate. I paged my nurse (who immediately came running because she knew I didn’t page them unless absolutely necessary) my nurse paged the resident on call. They were all trying to decide if they should take me to labour and delivery to monitor my contractions, or just take Jillian out. The resident decided to check to see if I were dilating. I had made it to 3 cms (in less than 2 hours). Since my blood pressure was so low, they couldn’t put me on ANY drugs to stop the contractions. So, it was go time. I asked them how long I had before we went to the OR. I was told 10 minutes, TOPS. I IMMEDIATELY called Adam and told him to get to the hospital. Thankfully a nurse and a social worker were able to watch Lauren. By the time my spinal was placed they checked me again and I was 6 cms dilated, guess it is true that you go faster with your second baby!

Since Jillian was breech, when the doctors lifted her out, they flashed me her bum before heading to the NICU. I was so upset to be separated from her, but, I knew she was in VERY competent hands. Considering her gestational age, it really surprised EVERYONE that she cried when she was born.
After spending 5 weeks in the NICU, Jillian FINALLY got to come home on Thanksgiving Monday (October 13, 2008- we’re Canadian, eh?!) I thought that our battle with prematurity was over . Sure, we had TONS of doctors visits and other things to keep her healthy, but I didn’t think we’d see any long term effects.

In November of 2008, Jillian was hospitalized briefly for a blue spell. She stopped breathing for 5 seconds, twice. HOW SCARY! They decided to do a head ultrasound while we were there (VERY common in preemies) they did see that she had a PVL and told me it could lead to Cerebral Palsy. Obviously devastated, I wanted to be able to fight for Jillian. We ended up having another head ultrasound in February of 2009. Fortunately, they saw that her PVL was gone. Adam and I were ecstatic. Unfortunately, her soft spot was fusing, so they didn’t get an accurate picture.

Jillian is developmentally delayed, with VERY high muscle tone in her legs and trunk. Depending on early intervention, we started therapies. In September of 2009, Jillian’s fabulous doctor decided that she needed a sedated MRI to see if there were any underlying causes of her delays and muscle tone. It was then we learned that the PVL wasn’t gone, in fact, it had gotten bigger. Obviously upset again, I decided we needed to fight harder for Jillian.

As of October 22nd, 2009, Jillian has been diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy. We don’t know the type or severity yet as we have to see what Jillian will do on her own. Our hopes are high that Jillian will over come this, but we also have to be realistic about the whole thing. Jillian’s CP is a result of her early birth. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I would have a “special needs” baby. Not that I’m close minded or anything like that. But, I think we as parents NEVER want to hear that there is something wrong with your child.

We are now awaiting so many specialists I don’t know when I’ll ever be able to sleep. Jillian is our icing on the cake, and we wouldn’t have it any other way.

Fight for Preemies - Fight for Parker!

"This isn't fair."
"This wasn't supposed to happen like this"
"I am a failure."


Some of the things that went through my head the day my son was to be born and many days after.

Some days, even now, it seems SO unfair that Parker was born 11 weeks early. When I am really down, I tend to dwell on that number - 11 and the number 29. 11 weeks early is 29 weeks gestation - when my son was born.

I never planned to have anything like this happen...I mean, who does really? It's not like we sit there and talk to God and say, "Ok, May 29th works fine for us...sure it's 11 weeks early, but no biggie." No, you plan to be pregnant to month 9, you plan to go into labor, you plan to go in and push for hours and beg for an epidural.

Parker was born because I began developing HELLP Syndrome. Simply put - my body was rejecting Parker. Our RH factors were different. I am O+ and Parker A-. My body saw him as a foreign agent and was beginning to prepare to kill him. (Much like a transplant being rejected.)

I went into the hospital at 3 am on May 29th - not thinking anything of it other than being in pain. My right side hurt (that would be my liver enzymes being elevated.) They ran tests and it was soon found that I had the syndrome. They quickly gave me a steroid shot (to help develop Parker's lungs as quickly as possible.) and then prepped me for my emergency c-section. It all happened so fast, even now as I type this, I don't remember everything. I remember being wheeled into the emergency room - Drew had to stop and go sit in the hallway. I remember feeling very scared, overwhelmed and alone. I desperately wanted Drew in there holding my hands, but because I was put completely under, he couldn't be. There was a nurse though - Mary, who held my hand and that helped.

Parker was born at 9:35 am weighing 2lbs 3ozs and was 14.5 inches long.

I felt so bad and guilty for his birth and how he looked. For a long time I blamed myself.


Babies should not have to be born this early. Please help support the March of Dimes in their research to find a way to stop prematurity.